if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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