this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
