i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
