I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
