i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
