Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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