Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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