Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
