literally had 100 drinks last night.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We had sex on a dog bed..
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
