Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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