I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
