She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
