you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
