Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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