I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
