my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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