Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
