i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
