Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
