i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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