: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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