He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
