Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
