Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
