That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
