but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
