Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
