you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
