i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
