my phone needs a breathalizer
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
