why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
