yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
