but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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