I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
It's blow job season.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
