franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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