I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
