I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
