I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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