whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
too bad you live with your parents still
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
