The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
