If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
