Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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