i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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