for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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