So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
