tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
