I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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