last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
