If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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