oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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