We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
