don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
