You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you never un-have a 4some
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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