drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
