"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
